| Author |
Thread |
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
 Posted - 2004/05/24 : 11:02:01
one morning while making breakfast,a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the bum and said,
"if you firmed up,we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
well she bit her lip and kept silent,
the next morning,the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said,
"you know if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra"
this was beyond a silent responce,so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis,with a fearsome grip in place,she said:
"you know if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of___
the gardener,
the postman,
the window cleaner,
and your brother."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator 
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/24 : 11:06:28
How To Clean A Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
sexy_Rhi_Rhi
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
567 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/24 : 14:27:52
LMAO FAIR PLAY!!!
~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
__________________________________
~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
Alert moderator
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/24 : 14:35:39
so u like em en ???
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
Dean86
Senior Member
United Kingdom
273 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/24 : 16:20:16
I like all of them keep them coming
Alert moderator
|
sexy_Rhi_Rhi
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
567 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/24 : 19:47:34
yeh they good:)
~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
__________________________________
~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
Alert moderator
|
Dash
Junior Member
United States
116 posts
Joined: Nov, 2003
|
Posted - 2004/05/24 : 20:45:47
A robber walks into a sperm bank, and holds a gun up to one of the nurses heads.
The nurse says "Please don't hurt me, I'll do anything"
The robber replies "I want you to drink that sprem sample"
The nurse listens to the robber, she picks up the sample and drinks it.
As soon as she swallows the robber takes off his mask and says to the nurse "See honey that was so bad was it".
Alert moderator
|
Splix
Advanced Member
Australia
572 posts
Joined: Jul, 2003
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 03:23:57
ewww dude.
------------------------------------------------------------
Hardcore is life , Life is hardcore
------------------------------------------------------------
Alert moderator
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:01:39
lmao ive heard 1 like that b4 here u go i got a long 1 4 ya
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:04:31
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the a*shole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a*shole being the Boss. So the a*shole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a*shole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any a*shole will do.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
Edited by - bigmaddaz on 2004/05/25 10:06:04 |
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:07:19
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:10:16
New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:11:38
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"
After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:14:12
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
|
Posted - 2004/05/25 : 10:16:20
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
__________________________________
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
Alert moderator
|
|
Printer friendly
