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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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 Posted - 2004/05/21 : 15:31:00
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break,
about being out late the night before.
The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so
I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky.
My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed,
and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"
"I turned out the light," the second man replied.
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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sexy_Rhi_Rhi
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
567 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/21 : 15:36:12
wha u study in college en?
~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
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~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/21 : 15:36:21
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked.
"Because I pi*sed in his ear and it didn't move,"
said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!" the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."
lmao
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/21 : 15:45:28
quote:
Originally posted by sexy_Rhi_Rhi:
wha u study in college en?
~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
its my first yeat so im doin an ocn music tech course.stuff like web page design,filming live bands,djing<------ that was great fun.
digital 8track recording,midi sequencing,planing an event and self promotion.
im coming bac nxt yea 2 do a 2 year course on music tech and hopefully produce some mixes. but i need 2 get some decks first. but i can use the college 1s if i want but they are sh*t coz they are f*cked and havnt been looked after.
wot bout u wot do u do?
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sexy_Rhi_Rhi
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
567 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/21 : 16:59:07
nuffin im a bum:)lol sounds lame i kno but i love it!!!
~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
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~*RaVeReSs BaBeH*~
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/22 : 00:17:59
well as long as your happy init
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:37:16
A man walks into a fishmongers carrying a trout and says to the fishmonger.
"Do you serve fishcakes"
"No" replies the fishmonger.
"Thats a shame as its his birthday"
thats a shit 1
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:39:54
Q. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A. Christopher Walken
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Edited by - bigmaddaz on 2004/05/24 10:40:53 |
bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:43:10
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John Kerry fan."
The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan, and my Dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:45:24
A lazy bloke turns to his son one day, and says “son, can you go and get me a pack of condoms?”
“What are condoms, Dad?” replies the boy.
Not thinking that his son would question his father like this, Dad replies, “err……..they are something that Daddy puts on his cigarettes to make them taste nicer.”
Off the boy goes to the chemist.
“Packet of condoms please.” He asks.
“What size?” Inquires the Pharmacist.
Remembering his Dad’s description of what condoms do, he thinks on his feet……….
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Big enough to fit a camel!”
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:47:28
These chat up lines are so nasty, they're insults...
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I like every bone in your body especially mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If you were a car door I would slam you all night long
Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna Anglo-Saxon verb?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Can I have fries with that shake!
I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
I'd look good on you.
When does your centerfold come out.
So do ya wanna see something really swell?
I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
You have nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?
Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!
Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.
You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:50:15
A duck walks in to the pub and asks for a pint of fosters.
Barperson replies "dont serve ducks" so the duck was on his way.
The duck was out for a afternoon stroll the next day and fancied a pint so went to the pub hoping it was a different bar person,it was not but the duck still asked for a pint of fosters "pint of fosters please"
Barperson replies " I thought I told you yesturday, dont serve ducks now Feck off, the next time you you come in here and ask for a pint I will nail your fecking webbed feet to the fecking floor" so the duck quickly retreated back to his gaff.
The duck really needed a pint by 10pm so decided to go to the pub, he slid through the door and said to the barperson "you got any nails" no replies the barperson, in that case I will have a pint then!
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:51:42
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:56:55
This OAP goes to the chemist and asks for Viagra . The chemist , obviously surprised, asks how much he would like .
'Oh , only about 4 tablets , but can you cut each one into 4 pieces for me ? '
'Well that won't do you any good' says the chemist .
' I'm 83 years old 'said the gent , ' I'm not interested in sex any more . I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes '.
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/05/24 : 10:59:18
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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