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Dean86
Senior Member
United Kingdom
273 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
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 Posted - 2004/06/16 : 10:49:38
Ha thats a good n
2 long for me to remember though
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dj_excy
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,004 posts
Joined: Jun, 2004
205 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2004/06/16 : 11:00:44
lol yea init :-)
chill out like a mouse
coz dj excy's in the house!!
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Live Every Tuesday 7-8pm uk time
www.Kniteforce-Radio.com
Hardcore is Life!
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dj_excy
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,004 posts
Joined: Jun, 2004
205 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2004/06/18 : 11:11:19
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in
a little Pennsylvania town.
One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to
notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town
bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and
not something a member of his congregation should do, so he
walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to
the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly, "this is no place
for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take
you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had
too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady
her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to
the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up
lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here,
buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you
might as well finish the job."
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you
mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw
puzzle I bought - I can't figure out how to get started."
Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?"
"From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the
blonde.
The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him
at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all
over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter
what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to
assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the
box."
"Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde.
"Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have
here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
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In March 1997, Brian Crenshaw, a chemical engineer from West London,
returned to the UK after spending the previous six months overseeing
work at a petrochemicals plant in Nigeria. During his first week
back, his wife complained that he seemed to have difficulty
listening properly
Brian suggested that his ears had not fully recovered from the air
pressure changes experienced during his flight. Over the next two
weeks, Brian s condition worsened as he started to feel tickling
sensations deep in his ears. Thinking the trouble was caused by
loosened ear wax,he attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint
pen. When he pressed it into his right ear, he heard a cracking
sound and saw the pen covered in a yellow goo.
He went to his local GP claiming had punctured his ear drum. The GP
reached into Brian s right ear with a pair of tweezers and pulled
out what appeared to be an insect antenna. During the examination
Brian was horrified to learn that he had a total of 5 African
cockroaches living in his head. Four cockroaches were alive and one
cockroach was dead, presumably crushed by Brians pen attack. An
investigation revealed that when Brian was in Nigeria, a female
African cockroach must have laid numerous eggs in the toiletries bag
where he kept his cotton buds. When he was cleaning his ears, he was
also transferring the cockroach eggs to his inner ear where they
started to hatch.
On September 4 1999 at 9.30 am Ron Guptey of N.S.W Australia went
into hospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum area. The
doctor on call examined him, he found severe swelling around the
anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing
before. Two more doctors examined and they too were left confused
about what was happening.
Rons health was deteriorating as the day wore on, he developed a
fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen. The
doctors gave pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2.57 pm
when he lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead.
An investigation was led to discover the reason of death. During the
post mortem, traces of wood bark were found inside the rectal
passage, but as the examination went further the doctor discovered
about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Rons intestine. The police found
a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Rons back yard, there
were traces of KY jelly and traces of rectal juices along the
branch. There was also Black widow egg shells found inside the bark.
Ron was apparently satisfying himself with this tree stump, but
failed to notice the black widow nest on the tree. During his sexual
act he had impregnated himself with the black widow eggs. The eggs
had embedded in his rectal passage walls and were kept at the
required temperature for the eggs to develop and finally hatch. Once
the baby spiders were hatched they had bitten him and had poisoned
him from the inside.
Guess he was barking up the wrong tree.....
NOW FOR THE BIG ONE...
Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.
One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine,
woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had
diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it
was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having
diarrhoea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and
upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy
farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci
for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her
vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the
sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.
She was screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the police. When
medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor
of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her
leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to
transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was
bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying
there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her
body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger
than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and
landed on the floor with a wet popping sound
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile
bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and
it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping
itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as
he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the
toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he
cannot look into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl
was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a
furious pace.
If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:
Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock
and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and
when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell,
smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the
accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While
lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her
vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under
the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent
snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and
the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster
was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces
of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic
hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints.
The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in
lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be
full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had
eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are
usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them
out into Ms. DeLucci's c**t when she was torturing it. Maine mud
shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four
days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that
point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to
grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of thepopular
"Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Over night the eggs had
hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes.
You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning
and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.
chill out and take hash coz excy's out 2get f*ckin mashed!!
__________________________________
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Live Every Tuesday 7-8pm uk time
www.Kniteforce-Radio.com
Hardcore is Life!
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Edited by - dj_excy on 2004/06/18 11:15:31 |
Dave Murray
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
3,675 posts
Joined: Jan, 2003
136 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2004/06/18 : 11:45:09
Total spammage.
_________________________________
Did She Just Shake Her Tictac's At Me?
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<3 Trance
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dj_excy
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,004 posts
Joined: Jun, 2004
205 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2004/06/18 : 12:22:55
listen dave ive stopped posting loads of posts coz u thought i wanted 2 get my "5 stars" so ive now put like loads of jokes in2 1 post so just stop f*ckin complaining!!
chill out and take hash coz excy's out 2get f*ckin mashed!!
__________________________________
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Live Every Tuesday 7-8pm uk time
www.Kniteforce-Radio.com
Hardcore is Life!
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tunnelrush
Advanced Member
United States
1,831 posts
Joined: Jun, 2004
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Posted - 2004/06/30 : 20:38:57
*Her Diary says:*
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong -- he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled. I don't know why he didn't
say, "I love you, too." I feel as if I'm losing him. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!!
*His Diary Says:*
Today the Lakers lost but at least i got laid
*If the bass is too loud, you are too weak*
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<Pioneer CDJ-1000 Mk3's
<Mackie D.2 w Firewire
<M-Audio BX8's/ Peavey 15" Neo
<Sennheiser HD25's/Technics RPDJ 1200
<Tracktion 2
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Excessive
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
584 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
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Posted - 2004/07/01 : 10:46:42
Fast forward to 2006
It is just before Scotland v England at the next World Cup Group game.
Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Rooney looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 -Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McSte 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!
"No, No, I have, I've let you down.......... I got sent off after 12 minutes. "
You're not just wrong, you're stupid, and you're ugly just like your mum.
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If you liked this post why not get up and do a dance in honour of it.
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Dean86
Senior Member
United Kingdom
273 posts
Joined: Apr, 2004
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Posted - 2004/07/01 : 11:29:01
Ha classic
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bigmaddaz
Senior Member
United Kingdom
330 posts
Joined: May, 2004
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Posted - 2004/10/07 : 15:41:30
hey guys i have some more jokes for you 
one day this man walks down the street and finds a lamp so he gives it a rub and a geenie comes out and say i will give you 2 wishes and the man says ok
i wish to always have the right amount of money on me. ok says the geenie and you have 1 wish remaining.
then the man says i wish for a long legged bird with a tight pussy and there they appear.
later on that day the man walking into a bar and asks for a pint and 1 and 1 for the osterich and cat and the cat says im not paying and the bar man says thats £6 please and the man pulls out the exact money.
then the next day the man goes into the bar again and ask for a pint and 1 for the cat and osterich and the cat says im not paying and the bar man says thats £6 please and the man pulls out the exact money again.
and the same happens the next day and the bar man asks how come you always have the exact amount of money and wots with the cat and osterich?
well the man goes i was walking down the street and i found this lamp and i gave it a rub as you do. and a geenie come out and give me 2 wishes so i wished to always have the right amount of money on me.
And the bar man says why have you got an osterich and a cat?
yea the man says that was the other wish i wished i had a long legged bird with a tight pussy.
sorry ppl but i love that joke and i had 2 put it on here :-)
HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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HARDCORE NEVER DIES!!!!!
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dj_excy
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,004 posts
Joined: Jun, 2004
205 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2005/02/07 : 15:01:31
Q. What do you call two bannanas
A. A pair of slippers lol
chill out and take some hash coz excy's out 2get ****in mashed!!
__________________________________
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Live Every Tuesday 7-8pm uk time
www.Kniteforce-Radio.com
Hardcore is Life!
------------------------------
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Loz_e
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
772 posts
Joined: Oct, 2004
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Posted - 2005/02/07 : 15:14:22
whats red and hangs from trees???
a monkeys miscarrage!
'it shouldnt happen to a raver'
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dj_excy
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,004 posts
Joined: Jun, 2004
205 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2005/02/07 : 15:29:16
thats sick but funny :)
chill out and take some hash coz excy's out 2get ****in mashed!!
__________________________________
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Live Every Tuesday 7-8pm uk time
www.Kniteforce-Radio.com
Hardcore is Life!
------------------------------
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SlimeShady
Junior Member
United Kingdom
104 posts
Joined: Jun, 2006
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 Posted - 2006/07/14 : 00:20:12
Yes its an old thread but it saves starting a new one. I just had to get these in:
1.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the 7th day resting. He enquired of God, "where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?"
"Its a planet" replied God "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael still confused. God explained, pointing down at different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries, "this one will be very hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of the land and asked, "what's that?" "Ah," said God, "that's Yorkshire, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful people, 7 great cities and many impressive towns. It is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people of Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "wait until you see the w*****s I'm putting next to them in Lancashire."
(sorry Underloop hee hee) 
2.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales assistant noticed him and asked if she could help. He answers that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales assistant, confused, says "Sir, I thought you was looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers " Yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because its sooooooooo much cheaper... so I figure that if I have to roll my own, so does she." 
3.
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colours, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.
I've got many, many more but I'll leave them for now
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"I can never face another day
if there ain't no raver's groove to let me play"
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Edited by - SlimeShady on 2006/07/14 00:22:58 |
reenz
Advanced Member
Australia
928 posts
Joined: Sep, 2005
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Posted - 2006/07/14 : 06:40:53
horribly bad but i love it!
whatever happened to the tap dancer?
he fell off the sink and broke his ankle
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<---- these boots were made for stompin'
I make whirlpools in my fishtank
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bristolboy05
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
955 posts
Joined: Mar, 2005
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Posted - 2006/07/14 : 15:47:46
me and my m8 went to ann-summers yesterday and we was lookin at the blow up dolls.
there was a white one a black one and a paki one. i looked at the prices and guess wot ??? the paki one was the dearist. so i asked the shop assistant why is the paki one the dearist and
she says (cuz it blows its-self up) lol
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Love Peace Unity Hardcore United Harmony
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